Fearless
On Sunday I’ll be boarding Icelandair for Germany, with a stopover in Iceland to chill for a few days then spend two weeks visiting my 96 year-old father. It’s been almost a year since I last saw him. And I was only able to spend two days with him because I came down with COVID right after arriving. Some of you may have read about my “misadventure” last May. https://maddielock.com/positive/ The plan to spend time with my father and travel to see family ended up being a meditative isolation with my cousin, his wife, and my brother, all of whom I had infected.
This time I’m renting an apartment and staying in my father’s lovely town to spend as much time with him as he is able. Perhaps he’s a bit more physically frail now, but according to his emails his mind is still sharp as ever. We can pick up on those lively and enlightening conversations we so enjoy. I hope I inherited a few of his strong genes. And hope that I don’t pick up any illness this time.
I had planned to do this last October; my flights and apartment rental were booked and then cancelled as I went through some physical challenges that brought on emotional ones. All I could do was to hang on tightly to the line that pulled me through as I began the looping medical chaos of tests and referrals. Looking back, I have a take on what went on with me at the time, and how we are sometimes in a liminal place that keeps our adrenals pumping. My anxiety and panic attacks were created by fear.
The next step of creating a calm and peaceful existence after making friends with our chattering monkey mind https://maddielock.com/make-friends-with-your-monkey/ is to recognize fear within other emotions and refuse to give it power.
Fear will trump most any emotion, and is at the core of negative feelings: anger, impatience, awkwardness, craving, disgust, frustration, but most of all my nemesis: anxiety. It came over me so strong and demanding that my body stayed in constant fear of becoming physically incapacitated. Turns out my vertebrae is filled with bulging and herniated discs and I was afraid that I would end up bedridden in a foreign country and be a burden to my family, again.
Put some distance behind the negative emotion and find out what’s scaring you. Is it valid? Probably not. Our mind gives us visuals either of a good outcome or a negative one. Which would you choose?
I’ll give you a tiny example. My two Jack Russell terrier puppies love to run and play in the backyard, which butts up to a small lake. Our lack of rain has the water receding, leaving a mucky shoreline. I sit and watch as they run circles, chasing each other, inevitably making their way closer and closer to the water. My immediate thought is that I don’t want them in the shoreline muck because it means they will get wet and muddy, with an hour lost while I bathe and dry them, after which I have to clean myself as well. I get angry and frustrated. I yell and huff and even snort a bit as I try to get their attention to come back up onto the grass. The dogs look at me as if I’ve lost my mind. Which in essence I have.
If we pause and examine our immediate emotion, we can at least control our reaction and lessen the wear and tear on our bodies that negative adrenaline causes. And perhaps keep us from making decisions based on that emotion rather than reason. My challenges are still with me as I get ready to leave, but nothing will keep me from going this time. The desire to see my father is stronger than the fear of my back giving out, of being somehow incapacitated. I am able to banish the anxiety and ditch the negative what ifs. I’m also not traveling alone; my sister Jackie will be going with me. I joke that I’ve reached the age of needing a travel companion. In the past many of my journeys have been solo— meditative retreats and visiting my German family are better done alone. I guess I’ve compromised, after facing my fear and acknowledging its power.
The next time you feel a strong aversion, or a gut punch at the thought of dealing with something, check in with fear. Recognize it. Give your emotion a precise definition and slide it into the background. Chances are it will simmer, but it will have lost its power over your reactions and decisions.
