Chasing the Shade

This thoughtful photo of Georgia O’Keefe in her advanced age, with this heading, could well be me. And, yes, I have been waiting to be myself again. Not just for the summer, but I can only hope that as heat and humidity scuttle away, some of me will come back with the freshness of our lovely Florida winters.  Yet I’m fearful that parts of me are gone forever, scattered among the many years of my life. I did not realize I was leaving parts behind; I thought of my life’s adventure more like leaving breadcrumbs that can be gathered upon return.

I always felt that life was filled with learning stages, that eventually one reaches a certain age when all the discordant pieces come together, like a jigsaw puzzle revealed. We learn. And then we are wise and can share this wisdom to help, to do good for those who need us. And to feel that we are still needed. Yet the older I get the more it seems I don’t know. Along with a gnawing fear that somehow I was left in the boat to weather the storm whilst all others took to safety on shore. Perhaps I’m just a slow learner.

Oh, the hubris of youth to think I knew it all.

This summer has been particularly tough: My Papa’s funeral, the grieving that seems to have no end. The nasty politics and the upheaval with our candidates. Everyone I talk to has health issues. Next to my house, on a dead end street of multi-generational homes, untouched woodlands are being cleared for a subdivision of starter homes. The angry heat everywhere as our planet fights a fever brought on by population explosion and a blatant disregard for nature as we strive for enough food and a comfortable life. The overwhelming responsibility of balance lies on homo sapiens; nature will win in an all-out war.

 Not to mention I’ve been in a writing slump. It’s the first time in five years that I don’t have a few submissions out there. In the meantime, I’m researching and brainstorming for the next year, what’s available for getting the word out about my book as it gets closer to publication. So many contacts for book reviews, podcast interviews, readings, videos, even print ads!

I’m finding fascinating books about WWII, mostly historical fiction. Cradles of the Reich about the Lebensborn program by Jennifer Coburn and Leaving Fatherland by Matt Graydon come quickly to mind. In My Grandfather’s Shadow by Angela Findlay, is a historical memoir about the German side of her parentage and multi-generational guilt.

What I read in all these books confirms “facts” that I gathered in my four years of interviews and research as I wrote my immersion memoir.

When editing begins for ILLEGITIMATE next year, I’ll be going through the story in its entirety once again. I wonder how my perspective has changed in the time that has passed. We all know how our memories are guided by emotions. I honestly don’t know what to expect. Right now, I ache, and my stomach clenches, when I think about going back to Germany. There is a large hole that my father’s presence once filled and I prefer to avoid the places we walked and talked for seven years. Much of me has been left in those places. What was written in joy is now bittersweet.

How has the summer been for you? Those who are kind enough to follow my ramblings are located worldwide. With our instant news capabilities we all know what is happening practically in real time. I seem to get all my early reports about the U.S. from BBC, the notification sound reaching my ears no matter where I am, letting me know it’s tough all over. Perhaps we lose bits of ourselves with each report; it’s a huge world out there. But our intrinsic human need for information overrides our common sense which should tell us we don’t need to know everything down to the smallest and nastiest detail. Or perhaps my attitude is due to old age, when our brains seem to shrink and our emotions expand. I have a feeling I will never find all the pieces and if I did, they would not fit properly anymore.

On a happy note, in the next months I will be sending out some excerpts of the book, as well as essays. As always, I appreciate your support and value your opinion. As we head toward publication, I’ll be doing some giveaways in the form of gift cards (Amazon and Bookshop.org) that can be used to purchase my book, or others😊. As well as ARCs (advanced reader copies) of the book before publication for reviews. Forward this Ruminations rambling to anyone who may be interested in my work and may want to sign up.

It takes a huge village to sell a book!