Döstädning, the gentle art of Swedish Death Cleaning
A bit of a tongue twister with a softness of meaning, much like the act itself.
Döstädning is the “gentle art of Swedish death cleaning” as defined by Margareta Magnussen in her book titled the same. She identifies herself as “between 80 and 100” years of age and has deconstructed the act of cleaning up your stuff so that you don’t leave a mess for your loved ones when you die. Sound a bit morbid? Maybe. But ask your family if they’re okay with spending days and weeks going through years of “stuff” trying to decide what to give whom, what to donate and what to throw into a bonfire in the backyard. Are they ready for you to get everything organized for them? Of course they love you and find it painful to think about your death. But… I bet they have relief mixed in there somewhere.
Ms. Magnussen’s simple and practical instructions are contained in short chapters which make all that hard work seem doable. Her unique voice makes her likable and sincere, so we want to take her suggestions because it may make us the same. Our families will breathe easier and think continued fond thoughts after the funeral/memorial is done and we are no longer there to defend ourselves.
A few years ago my neighbor Nan passed away peacefully in her sleep. No illness, no warning that death was near. My husband had bumped into her the day before she passed while leaving a barbeque joint as she was having lunch with friends. Jay said she looked and sounded good. So…we just never know when our time is up.
At her church memorial the long-time family pastor began by stating that Nan had left a letter behind and strict instructions that no one was to eulogize because “she wasn’t there to defend herself.” Now, Nan was a lovely woman with many loving family members and friends in this small town where she and her husband had lived and raised a family. No one would dare have said anything bad. But she had detailed her wishes, and all everyone had to do was follow them. No decisions for the bereaved family to make. Everything was organized. No wonder she could go peacefully in her sleep with no worries.
We may not be so lucky, but we can try. Death cleaning is nothing more than simplifying the “things” in our life once all the hard stuff is done: we have created a home, raised children, cared for pets and maybe a husband or two. Unless we’re content to know that the treasured stuff we’ve hung onto for years may end up at Goodwill or stacked by the curb on garbage day, then it behooves us to start culling and designating.
Get rid of multiple sets of dishes. How much silverware and glassware do you need if you’re not entertaining anymore? What about those clothes and shoes you haven’t worn for years—can they be handed to a vintage store? Or burned? By all means, keep what you still wear and love, or even those pieces that hold memories—like the bell-bottoms you wore to your first Moody Blues concert. What about the books that have piled up in stacks? CDs and even tapes can be tossed or donated. LPs can be donated or sold to vintage stores.
Check with family and friends to see if they have coveted anything over the years. If you’re not using it, give it to them. If the items are still useful, make a list and designate who gets what.. Or tack a name on it somewhere. Let them decide, not you. Art and other heirloom items can be offered and designated as you are willing to let go of them. Items of value should be listed and provenance paperwork in with your important family documents.
Every child has a favored item that brings back happy memories of growing up. What a perfect opportunity to enjoy a cup of tea and talk about those times before gifting that beloved item. The same with your family photos and historically important documents. Find out who wants to be the family historian. But please get rid of old love letters and anything else that has no relevance (or may be scandalous!) to your family, i.e. children.
Oh, and be sure to go through the bathroom closet and get rid of all the toiletries that were bought with high hopes and ended up not being used, and all the medicines that are outdated. Think about what you definitely don’t want your family to find—the author gives the example of getting rid of extraneous sex toys and keeping only your favorite.
Well, you get the idea. Consider Döstädning your final nesting. Just as we nest before giving birth—or in my case every time family and friends come for the holidays—we can do this in the last part of our life. I believe the act is a final closure to all our adventures and the perfect time to find satisfaction in a life well-lived and well-loved.
