Mother or (S)mother

Last Sunday morning on a walk with my friend Nancy, we discussed our children as we often do. During this weekly therapy/grounding/forest bathing ritual, we try to cover all necessary topics that need to be aired for the upcoming week. Many topics are repetitive, simply because our lives at this point are repetitive. What we have in common is our deep love for, and involvement in, our 30-something children’s lives.

My friend made a comment about mothering –“add an s and you get smothering.”

Hmm, interesting.

Nancy’s daughter lives in South Florida with her family; my single son lives around the corner and down the road from us in Central Florida. They are grown-ups, technically. But all mothers know that our child is always our child, no matter what the age. What we do for them—all the support we give—is lifelong.

But, here is the key word: support.

I went to the dictionary: support as a verb means to advocate for, assist, and maintain. Right in line with nurture: caring for and encouraging growth, independence, and development.

As opposed to smothering: doing things that result in just the opposite, and usually stem from and create anxiety and lack of independence and development.

Now let’s look at some of the parenting definitions: helicopter parents, tiger parents, panda parents, even snowplow parents. Helicopter parents hover; always there to bail the child out if things get off-track;the poor child can’t make a move without parental opinion and involvement. Tiger parents are super strict, making every decision without leaving any options for the child, while panda parents have a laissez-faire attitude of sink or swim—or learn to breathe underwater. 😊 Whereas helicopter parents zoom in on a problem once it occurs, snow-plow parents remove all obstacles to provide a clear path to begin with. Either way, the parents, often the mother, take away the child’s opportunity to learn to make the right decisions.

So we go from mothering to smothering.

There are probably plenty of books out there with the ideal advice, but we know how personality and financial means can make a huge difference in our guidance. And it’s funny how we see things so clearly in hindsight when the present often seems so murky. We may hover when we should be making firm decisions; we may take a hands-off approach when we should be steadfast, but we won’t understand this until we see the results. And how we ourselves were raised comes into play as well.

I always felt my mother made the wrong choices. There were times I wished she would hover, or help with decisions and instead I would get what I perceived as a “do whatever the heck you want,” which translated into “I don’t care.” Or, the things that meant a lot to me were met with negativity, with no reasons given. Her attitude had more to do with her current state of mind and health, rather than the actual topic. This meant I could usually get my way if I waited and tried again, which is not the best thing for a child to know. Kids are wily that way.

We have all read, or heard about those overachievers who accomplish great things. Often they had a tough childhood—an overly strict or absent father, a despairing or distant mother, or perhaps they had uber panda parents who left their children to fend for themselves at too early an age. We are always impressed by their achievements, when in reality they may be anxiety ridden and suffer from imposter syndrome. Or, they may have had uber tiger parents who demanded much and more, and may be living life to please others instead of themselves. We also tend to assume that those people who make wrong decisions and “fail” at creating a fulfilling life lacked love and guidance.

Cultures make a difference. Asian countries stress academic learning and achievement, whereas some African countries struggle just to provide rudimentary education and security in the midst of war and poverty. Poverty especially throws a shroud of challenges over children: insufficient nutrition and violence get in the way of living well.

Okay, if you are still with me, you may be wondering if Nancy and I had any great epiphanies. Well, no. Except that we will continue to offer support when and where they need it. That they receive mothering and not smothering; guidance and not dictating; support and not undermining; respect and not disdain.  

The fact that we are seniors now makes a difference; it is time for our children to begin the final weaning. Because it won’t be long before the roles reverse and we will need for them to make the right decisions for our care. We can only hope that somewhere along the way we have given the right support so they may respond in kind.